Well here I am again. I know, I know. I fail at keeping up with my blog. I won't give any excuses either, because I could go on and on if I really wanted to. Even though I have not kept up with this blog, I actually find it fascinating to see what I wrote from last year up until now. I have changed as a person so greatly in that amount of time, so I get to see who I was at that moment in my life. That's pretty much the reason I have always tried to keep a journal. I rarely go back to read what I wrote, but when I do I get hit with thoughts of wow, is that really what I was thinking? I am so glad I am not that person anymore! Or, damn I'm good! Having a glimpse of who I was, when I was trying to be honest with myself allows me to actually be able to track my self development in a way that is meaningful and profound to me.
This year, I have had to keep a journal for various classes, and one of them I felt was a great outlet. I was actually writing to fill up the pages to get credit for my work, but what I did write was exactly what I felt - all my thoughts, hurt, anger, happiness, and love. By writing them all down, though my hand often cramped up, I actually felt like I was able to empty my brain of all of its contents. However, they were not lost anywhere or forgotten or repressed. They were there in my journal, so it was okay. I found that journaling makes me feel lighter in my head. And when there isn't a whirlpool of thoughts and feelings swimming around in my head, I feel more present in the moment, and less stressed.
I think that part of the reason keeping up with this blog is hard for me, is because I feel exposed in a way. Do I really want all my thoughts and feelings out there in the interweb? It's so funny because I enjoy other blogs that get into the nitty gritty of life, talking about everything under the sun, including a blog I loved by a sex worker, until she stopped writing it. Well, I am trying to love myself, not criticize myself. Most of us have a harsh inner critic don't we? I recently posted my face on a website I frequent, which was a big step. People go around posting themselves with no qualms about it, why am I always so afraid? I've realized that I don't have to aim for not caring about what other people think about me. I only care what the important people in my life think about me to a degree. Ultimately what matters is what I think about myself. I do think, that in order to fully love others you have to love yourself. And I read a tweet today that perfectly fit with that: "If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete."--Jack Kornfield. Everybody out there, take a moment, and be kind to yourself.
I still have a long way to go, lots of work to be done. Just yesterday, I found myself immersed and fascinated with something, and I want to learn that something. I even found places in my area where I could go and learn that something, at some places the first few weeks are even free. I feel driven to learn it, but then my thinking goes awry and I doubt myself. I think, I can't really do it, I'm so shy, I feel embarassed wanting to do this, I won't fit in there...etc etc. See that harsh inner critic? I know, that yes, I can do it if I really want to, but my feelings of inadequacy take over. I will just have to keep working on myself. That thing won't disappear in the mean time. Someday I will have the courage to do it.
Also yesterday, I took a walk with my dog and stopped towards the end to enjoy the moment for a bit. The sun was going down, and I ended up writing a poem there on my phone, so I wouldn't forget it (like I have before when I told myself I would remember it!). So, here it is, I don't care if you like it or not. And yes I'm nervous about posting it on the interweb, but it's a small step I can take.
Every Day
Every Day
the beauty of the sun's golden rays
glistening through the dead grass strewn upon the ground
moves me, in a specific way
This moment, is constricted by time
And yet, is timeless.
How many before me
have gazed upon this sight
Watched as the sun slowly
diminishes behind the horizon
till the golden brilliance is no more?
Wait until tomorrow, or the next day, or the next.
It will come back, as it has done for centuries.
You may see negativity in the years to come,
But nothing worse than what has come before in this world.
Greet each day, as if you have tomorrow
so that you will not cling to the impermanence of today.
I have heard that you should live today, as if there were no tomorrow. But for me, if I lived that way I would get sad and cling to every moment, trying to make every feeling last. This would lead to more clinging and sadness when the feelings would inevitably disappear. I would be swept up in grasping for moments that had gone by, and not living in the present. When I live as if there is always tomorrow, I feel happier, and much more positive. I can fully appreciate whatever arises because I have the time to marinate in it. I don't feel like I am running out of time - it's my optimistic outlook.
Ending on a positive note, just before I got back to my house from the walk, a group of kids were playing in front of their house. I could hear them saying Look a husky! Nice doggy! That's a snow dog. Hi doggy! I smiled at them and asked if they wanted to pet her. One of the older girls took interest and said yeah! I walked across to them, there were like....6 or 7 of them! All between the ages of about 3 to maybe 10. And they all looked related, some of them with thick glasses. They all were so nice, but scared of my dog, who was much bigger than most of them. They were nervous to stick out their hands to pet her, only a couple were brave enough to touch her. She shook (in that way that we all know doggies do) and it scared them lol. They kept asking Does she bite? And I kept reassuring them that no she doesn't bite. They would stick out their hands and when she would move her face towards them to either smell or lick them, they got scared. It was pretty damn cute. When I started to leave, they all were saying Bye doggie! That's a nice doggie! Come back again! That was probably one of the nicest groups of young children I have met. I am just going to say, that a couple weeks ago on a walk with my dog, some kids that I am labeling "ghetto" (you can stuff it in your ass if you have a problem with that) said That's a big ass dog! He had to have been around 6 years old. Point of this story? None really, just recounting my experience of actually meeting a horde of really nice and seemingly smart kids, which was refreshing.
I promised an update did I? Well let's keep it short. I have finished 3 glorious quarters at my new school, needless to say I am in love with it, which is a good thing. I am holding onto a 4.0 GPA...can I get a WOOHOO!? Moving you ask? Uhmm...let's not talk about that, but dammit it better be within a month!
